Before you — Week 33

Sarah Cleland
8 min readAug 10, 2020

An intrepid adventure into motherhood through the eyes of my childless self.

Meet Basil, our little one’s first fox

+1

I am 33 weeks + 1. Today began with breakfast in bed, a habit I am becoming accustomed to. I spent some time reading and not being too worried about the time passing by, until it was time to head to the bus and I was still in my pyjamas. I was prepared from the night before and managed to still make it to work at a reasonable time.

Everywhere I go, every person I cross paths with, there are smiles to be shared. I am told about their stories with their children, I ask questions. I spend a large part of the day talking about motherhood, pregnancy, babies and children. And then I come home and get excited about talking about birth plans and all to do with babies.

I am becoming that person, and I love it.

I am constantly told that my belly has grown so much, and where some may find offence, I find pride. A healthy growing boy lives there.

It reminds me of the joy of sharing, a similarity to connect you with others. When travelling you often connect with people who you may not usually spend your time with, but there is a common factor, an adventure to be shared and you can relate more to a diversity of people unlike before. I feel like parenthood will be a bit like this. There are so many similar joys and struggles that can be discussed and shared. I look forward to finding links with others who are new parents like Juan and me.

Today a colleague with a 10 year old boy made a comment I enjoyed — he said that the bad things you expect from having children are bad, but the good things, the joy that you expect, is so much more than you could imagine.

I can not know what that feels like but each day I am closer to finding out, and for now I find the joy in my growing bump which reminds me daily that life is about to change.

+2

I am 33 weeks + 2. Today began with a walk in the park. Then cramps and a wave of exhaustion that came and went throughout the day. Amongst it I was productive and ended the working day feeling like I had advanced and am a step closer to finishing up and focusing on me and baby. Each day is one step closer.

It was a superbly sunny day and at lunch I sat outside and let my belly feel the gentle touch of the winters sun.

After continual cups of water and the sun from today I am feeling that my belly is growing like never before. The seed of life stimulated from my constant feasting and fresh air and movement.

After work, I completed a 30 minute online yoga class, it’s a method of yoga I found a couple of weeks ago and while the chanting and movements sometimes place me outside of my comfort zone, I’m loving how all the exercises are preparing me for labour. The “keep up” to breathe through three minutes of constant arm rotations (a contraction is no longer than three minutes), the squats to open the pelvis and strengthen the legs, pelvic floor exercises, and dancing and easy movement to introduce comfort and release from moving the body freely. It’s called the Khalsa Way Prenatal Yoga, and I have no idea if it will really help but I’m enjoying it all the same. And baby seems to be too as he follows the different movements.

I have been doing yoga since I was 16 and I am reminded of the benefits it has given me in my off and on again practice over the years. That mixed with walks in the fresh air and the occasional dance around the lounge, these are movements that keep make me happy and keep me active. And they help me prepare for becoming a mother, not only for birth but also for beyond and into being a mum.

I hope you, my little one, find your flow and that movement which brings you joy. Whether is be basketball with your dad, dancing with your mum, or all of the above and much much more.

+3

I am 33 weeks + 3. Today began with driving to work to finally return my lockdown office supplies. This week is my second to last week in the Auckland office, I will hardly be working from home next week so I thought it was time. Lockdown was a blessing to be close to home, to be able to rest and to work from the comfort of my home as by belly swelled. The days I began to waddle into the office once we went into Alert Level 1 took a lot of energy, so I have loved that it is the new accepted norm to not be in the office 5 days a week.

But now as I count down my days to move, and the weeks to finishing work, I am enjoying my time in the office, with my team, with friendly faces everywhere.

People are so immensely friendly to you when you are pregnant, it is a time to treasured and to make the most of your changing body, the consideration of those around you who hold the door a bit longer for you to come through, who smile at you in the street, who want to touch your belly and who give you a wide berth, physically and mentally for that which you do.

Today we were in the search for a flatmate, it was very obvious to the couples who came through the reason we were leaving. There was a moment of sadness, an end of an era, a reality of what was happening — but we won’t we look forward to our new beginning. A baby, a house, a move to another city. It’s been a while since we have had a big change like this, 2 years, and as we discussed the end of our Auckland adventure, we looked at 2020 as an incredible year of change and uncertainty. Amongst it all we are grateful to be in this little paradise in New Zealand, somewhat detached from the hardship that plagues different parts of the world.

Growing up in a country of friendly faces I know that our little one will have great opportunities to grow and explore who he is, like I have been able to do. Changing the course of my future through my studies, through my ability to explore other countries and cultures, through the support I have had from my family.

+4

I am 33 weeks + 4. Today began in exhaustion. A Friday struggle as the mind and body aches left me awake for hours until an unnecessary 5am alarm let me know I hadn’t slept half the night. I was worried about finding people for our flat with a week until we move, worried about work I hadn’t done and how to start handing over while not putting too much pressure on an already busy team.

But these worries will soon fade and there will be other important factors — a little one keeping me up at night.

Friday went past in a state of anxiety, nothing felt like I had control, even though I was productive it felt rushed and uncertain. But I know that it was the tiredness that lead to that, rather than my inability to complete my working day. Lack of sleep can do interesting things to a person, and I am about to enter a stage of sleepless nights like never before. Is there anyway to prepare for this? I’m not sure there is. All I can do is prepare mentally for what is to come so it isn’t too much of a shock.

We went out for dinner to make a long day even longer, but it was nice to see meet some new faces and make the most of a Friday night out. Something that will soon will no longer exist as all days merge into a blur over the next few months.

It reminds of the sleepless nights as a teenager, where at a young age I would go out until the sun rose and welcomed a new hazy day. A day where I could bounce back and work through the tiredness from dancing and exploring into the late hours.

At the ripe age of 32 I can no longer bounce back and I agree when I hear that nothing ever good happens after midnight. It is only hours stolen from the next day.

But I did not always feel this way and I got up to my own levels of mischief. How will I feel when it is you causing trouble late into the night, my little one? How will we be able to punish what we ourselves did? I ask myself these questions far too early but I am intrigued. All I have is questions about parenting, questions I imagine I will find answers to along the way.

+5

I am 33 weeks + 5. Today began with a pedicure. I am not sure the last time, if ever, I had a professional foot rub and pedicure. It was a real treat, a baby shower planned with two of my friends from work. The perfect type of baby shower for me, no balloons or games to change nappies, just a couple of friends, a bit of pampering and a delicious brunch with a bottle of wine, alcohol removed.

I’m greatly appreciative, it was a reminder that this is a time to be celebrated. The whole experience of bringing a little one into this world, is a means for celebration.

I went home full of bagels, chocolate croissants, a furry fox called Basil, and one of our little one’s first striped onesies. But most of all I went home content and thankful.

+6

I am 33 weeks + 6. Today began in joy. A slow Sunday morning, with eggs on toast and a walk around the park. Some packing prep and then some time to read and enjoy the sun.

Then we went to movies, for the experience, it may be a while before we get this opportunity to do this. There’s not much on to see at the moment, but we chose ‘Shirley’, a strange film following the intense relationship between a horror writer and the couple boarding with them.

A Sunday afternoon at the movies, a great ending to our final weekend in Auckland. Then a meal and rest to prepare for what will be a busy week ahead.

+7

I am 33 weeks + 7. Today began in exhaustion. A Monday, off to the office after a terrible night sleep. Tiredness hit in and I struggled to get points across and find any productivity. But there was some. A lunch of mince on toast, keeping (attempting to) the iron levels up.

This is the last week in the Auckland office, it’s sad to say goodbye and end my time here, but I am ready for this. So ready for this. Right now I need rest more than I need to reply to emails.

It reminded me of the many jobs and teams I have left behind. But this a new experience, this time I will be back. A planned eight months to care for a new life and then I will look at what the return to work will mean for me.

Note: grammatical errors and slurs of flow are clearly the result of baby brain.

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