Before you — 32 weeks
An intrepid adventure into motherhood through the eyes of my childless self.
+1
I am 32 weeks + 1. Today began with coffee. A single shot mocha, to get through the morning. It helped.
Then, I was tired.
Tired
Tired
Tired.
It reminded me of times in my life when I have been
Tired.
+2
I am 32 weeks + 2. Today began in a ball of anxiety. It was hospital day. I woke at 4am and a knot of anxious thought kept me awake. It stayed with me as I tried to relax into a nice morning of sleeping in. Then the exhaustion weighed me down as I attempted a leisurely stroll through the park. What is first, the anxiety or the exhaustion? Does the tiredness cause the anxiety, or the anxiety that draws on all my energy?
We had an appointment at fetal medicine, a closed carpark and a ludicrous traffic jam to get to Auckland Hospital meant I had to attend the majority of the scan alone while Juan circled the carpark to the 8th floor. He made it just in time to see our baby’s little face as he attempted to suckle on his fist (the baby, not Juan). A solid heart beat was shown and increasingly large kidneys, the reason for the monitoring. Then we sat and waited in a small empty room with an image of sand dunes to create a calming effect, a box of tissues and a few chairs.
Here the fetal medicine doctor and the kidney specialist told us what we wanted to hear. That we could have the birth in Tauranga, that baby was big and the kidneys were big but this is most probably due to my condition, a genetic disorder that I had 50% chance of passing on to baby. Nothing in the labour and birth needs to be monitored, only post-natal in his first few days, do we need to do a couple of tests to make sure everything is okay. But it is likely we will not see any issues until he is older, if at all.
There are so many unknowns to how baby is developing, how his life will be, all the problems that could come his way. There is no need to be waste time thinking about all the what if’s but to focus on the now, and in this now, baby is happy and growing well (maybe a bit too well, as the doctor scanning us mentioned, “ it looks like he’s had a few too many pies”).
The anxiety leading up to the appointment and the positive outcome reminded me of the visits to specialists and doctors throughout my life. Being diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disorder (PDK) at 10 years old has meant having blood and urine tests every 6 months, ultrasounds yearly until my kidneys became adult size, and MRI brain scans every 5 years. I have visited genetic specialists, and urologists — been told that I’m a ticking time bomb (aren’t we all?), that I could abort my future child if found to have the disease to stop the line of this genetic disorder in my family (told this before I was sexually active), and that nothing would happen until later in life so to just live a balanced healthy life and all will be okay.
This has caused confusion and constant anxiety for me throughout the years. The reason for close monitoring came from having lost my dad to a brain aneurysm at 42 years of age — a potential side effect of PDK. A fact hard for 15 month old me to process, and 32 years old to still be working through. Hence, when at the 20 week scan I was told there was an issue with baby’s kidneys I struggled to process this and ended up in a pool of tears. I had made an active decision not to look into whether baby would have PDK and had discussed with Juan about wanting to test later or wait until our little one was old enough to decide. From my experience, monitoring caused anxiety, for the last 22 years, and there has been nothing that has gone wrong. I continue to be healthy and have no effects of PDK.
Now, we have had 3 fetal medicine appointments, meet with the Children’s Kidney Specialist from Starship, and have another fetal medicine appointment at 36 weeks. Then will be referred to the paediatric team in Tauranga Hospital to keep an eye on the large and abnormally bright kidneys that continue to grow in our little one.
There was an initial shock at the 20 week scan — I had expected them to give us a piece of paper with the baby’s sex and to let us see the heart of our growing baby beat — it hadn’t even crossed my mind that they would be checking all organs to see if there were any areas of concerns in baby. I am now thankful to the incredible support offered by our hospitals, the care and consideration into the unknown, monitoring prenatally to ensure all assistance that may be needed can be given, now and into baby’s life. The kindness and time given to us by the doctors, the support from my midwife to work through whatever plan is recommended by specialists, the precautions taken but ease of mind given, has been incredible. And all without charge.
It is time to let go of this fear that my child will be traumatised by hospitals, and to appreciate all the support I have had over the years, and continue to have as we work through whatever may be with baby’s body.
It is time to be thankful, my little one, for all that is developing well and all the joy that we already share.
+3
I am 32 weeks + 3. Today began with fasting. Due to baby being a big baby they wanted to check for gestational diabetes. You have to fast for 10 -12 hours and then drink a horrid sugary glucose drink, wait for 2 more hours and then get bloods drawn again. I felt faint, but sat in the waiting room observing all the people coming and going, attended my team meeting and sent emails. Before I knew it my blood was taken and I was released out into the day. I stopped off at a cafe near by for delicious treats to eat, a halloumi and mushroom bap, and a date and orange scone — I ate them over the course of the day as I attempted not to stuff it all down at once and make myself sick.
Then the tiredness and blank mind returned. I sat at my home desk and tried to focus. I moved to the couch and wrote emails and lay down for my lunch hour. I prepared for meetings where I found myself repeating “um” an annoying amount. Then I finished the working day and left for a walk in the park. An energising walk where I could reset from the struggle of the day.
I have decided on my final day for work, only 4 weeks away. Then I will become a mother and my focus will be on developing the little human we have decided to bring into this world. An important role, maybe one of the most significant in my life.
I am reminded of the beauty in the women I see around me who have taken on this role with such grace and sacrifice and have stayed true to themselves. Keeping the pulse on what is important to them, whether that be who they are within their family, who they are in the community, or who they are in their work.
I am inspired and I hope, as my mother has been to me, that one day I am an inspiration to you.
+4
I am 32 weeks + 4. Today began with an Aeropress coffee explosion. The kitchen filled with grinds and the aromatic smell of coffee. From here the day progressed with less dramatic effect. There were meetings and a lunchtime walk to the shop to look at carseats and prams. I resorted to Google to begin my pram search and read lines such as “this may be the most important purchase for your baby”, no pressure; “you need to take into consideration A, B, C, D and E,” in other words, this is going to be more than what you like the look of. I’m not really one to dive deep into research of a product, so I am unsure how much weight to give all this. One article says that spending more means higher quality, another says that prams have become an element of snobbery, everyone looking at the brand you have. I couldn’t really care less but I would like to make a good decision so that it lasts not only for now, but for the next 4 years and beyond into a possible next child.
Oh how life has started to evolve into something else, before my days were spent thinking about writing, travel, living my best life — now I have spent the day reading and thinking about prams. Everywhere I go, I am looking at other peoples prams, what brand they are, how they seem to be enjoying them.
I am reminded of the multiple shifts of focus and importance I have given different aspects of my life. For the last decade I have not given much focus to settling, I have put most my energy and resources to traveling, to exploring different curiosities. From teaching English overseas, to Permaculture design; from writing a novel, to helping New Zealand companies with their exporting. I have lived in numerous locations throughout which have inspired and depressed me. I have said yes to a diverse range of options and I have danced to my own tune without chasing a career. That has all lead me to this moment where I find myself with a baby on board, with a mortgage by the end of the year, a 9–5 job I look forward to returning to, and a move to where I was born and raised. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
I am proud of my pram moment, it is another stage and another focus but this too will pass and I will be all the wiser for it, or at least I’ll have an incredible pram out the other side.
+5
I am 32 weeks + 5. Today began with meditation.
My emotions rose and fell to the beat of a lazy weekend.
One moment dancing with joy,
another almost in tears without an idea of what and
how.
Then I settle here, in front of this laptop.
Here with the words of my week
and everything began to make sense again.
It reminded me of …
the cruelty of procrastination.
The pull away from that which make us feel
good.
That which serves us.
Like a moments peace in a storm of
busy-ness. Business.
Today is not business time,
today is reset.
+6
I am 32 weeks + 6. Today began with sliced tomato on vogels, in bed in the dark. I devoured it like I hadn’t eaten all weekend. Baby is moving, baby is growing, and baby is hungry.
A lazy Sunday, a trip to the markets for a loaf of walnut sourdough. A day of feasting on left overs and reading. We then decided to do something different, something new. Go to the arcade Archie Brothers, and play. Though on arrival we noticed that it was a terrible idea, filled with families and clowns and colours and people. There will be enough of all that in our future, no need to rush there.
So we drank a smoothie and went to the Point Chev beach. A walk to enjoy the waterfront, the calming and inspiring environment to stimulate conversation.
It reminded me of how nature has lead to many discussions and decisions. How it continues to be the a gentle breeze of calm, always ready to restore and rejuvenate. Always ready to lift me up and set me back down, improved by the journey.
+7
I am 32 weeks + 7. Today began with a bus trip. Where I used to wonder to the back of the bus to find a seat with space and solitude, I now waddle to the priority seats at the front of the bus and take up my space.
A morning survived, then I went out for some fresh air to clear the mind and get my waddle on. I walked along the waterfront and found myself buying Hokey Pokey chocolate at the convenience store. On the walk back, a woman with her Edwards & Co pram (yes, I had noticed her pram before her) began speaking to me, asking how far along I was. I then, of course, asked her how she liked her pram and she proceeded to demonstrate its ease and different features while her little boy slept, undisturbed by the rocking and modelling. She was from Japan and loved her life here, but her family, all back in Japan, had not yet met her 10 month old son. She lived in the noise of the city centre and I wanted to chat more and be a friend in a foreign land, but then she left, telling me to have a wonderful day and kept going about her day.
It reminded me of growing up in a friendly neighbourhood, walking along the waterfront and everyone says hello and smiles. It was here that as a child I could roam freely through the streets, jump from rock to rock in front of the house, paddle my feet in the rising tides running from crabs, and dress up in my big sister’s chicken ballet outfits and dance down the street with friends. The was a lot of sun in my childhood. A lot of joy, laughter and smiles. At the very least, I hope we can offer this to you.
Note: grammatical errors and slurs of flow are clearly the result of baby brain.
